dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
