alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
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you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
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You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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