Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
