I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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