My underwear smells like fireworks.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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