Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
