When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
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then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
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Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Shame - the story of my life.
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