So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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