I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize