I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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