I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
