i think my tv is drunk
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Randomize
