I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
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