there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
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All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
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You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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