I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
