Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
