apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
it's like heaven, but drunker
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize