so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
