but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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