Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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