I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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