I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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