how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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