Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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