Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
