dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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