Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Enjoy the penises
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
