Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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