I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
foreskin is a definite game changer
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
