I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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