I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
