apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
