Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
