I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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