Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
