After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
