Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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