you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
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