Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Randomize
