new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
