I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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