someone threw a dead crab at me
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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