Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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