bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
