i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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