The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
