My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
