he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
