explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
