At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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