I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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