My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.