true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.