we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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