I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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