Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
